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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Draw Near

After a really tough day, and a really tough month, I am somehow at peace. I was driving to Murfreesboro tonight after work, and I was sad. I love my life, but am puzzled at how God's plan is unfolding to shape my life. After a weekend spent with four of my very pregnant friends, I left wondering how I managed to miss the boat. And the stark realization that as I get older, my skills of independence are a necessity, not a luxury. I can't rely on my parents or family or friends like I used to---it's me, myself and I to deal with life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Needless to say, I was feeling a bit down (to be honest, I still am). But driving down a desolate 840 and praying to my Lord, two words came to my lips: "draw near." Over and over again, I felt the strength of these words. I looked up at the storm-stained sky, and through a break in the thunderheads, I saw the sun emerge brightly. It blinded me, and I felt its warmth through my windshield. As quickly as it appeared, it disappeared, behind another slate blue cloud. At that moment, I understood---draw near. Not "here is the answer" or "here is the plan" or "go here, do this," but "draw near." I won't always be able to see God's face, but I can draw near to Him in the dark.

Later, while at the BeautiControl spa party Amy hosted, I found myself with aromatherapy cucumber pads over my eyelids, a warm rag over my forehead, and my feet in a hot oil bath. A CD of new age-mumbo-jumbo played in the background, with a man's calming voice telling me to relax my toes et cetera. It was a little humorous, but very relaxing---and then it became real---when he asked us to think of a word or phrase to meditate. Again, "draw near."

As soon as I got home tonight, I opened my Bible and found the following:

Psalm 73:28 -- "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I hve made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Isaiah 55:6 -- "Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near."

Hebrews 10:19-23 -- "Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful."

So maybe I'm not married, and I'm definitely not pregnant. Maybe I'm growing up, and maybe it's pretty hard right now. Maybe I will deal with job pressure and stress, and maybe friendships will evolve and end. And maybe, just maybe, all of this can still yield contentment. I will draw near to Him, as He draws near to me.


Anonymous Katie said...

Girl please know that we all have feelings like this and go through "funks". Just know that you have some fabulous single women around you who are very happy to have you in our lives! I know you'll grow through this experience and will draw near to God as He draws near to you. I love you girl and am keeping you in my prayers!

9:49 AM

Blogger Amanda said...

I'm sorry you're going through this right now, as we all do from time to time, but you've got the right idea turning to scripture and finding words to comfort you. I'm excited about hanging out with you tonight, and can't wait to remind you in person what an admirably independent (albeit forced or chosen) and wonderful lady you are!

9:54 AM

Blogger lauren said...

think about what makes you complete. it really is not other people, or potential people, no matter how special they are. hang in there girl.

1:50 PM

Blogger Sarah said...

Prayers and Hugs from Texas...

2:36 PM

Blogger TBSE said...

It's like you just spoke the words in my heart and in my head.. thanks for keeping it real. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability and I REALLy needed to hear that. Ames

5:42 PM


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