Heartsick

I've been walking around for the past month or so on the verge of tears. Every time someone asks me, "how are you" or "what's new," I would reply with a polite, "oh, I'm fine. Same 'ol, same 'ol." But my insides have been screaming the opposite.

Normally, I'm really good at hiding it. But in the past 48 hours, I've received an onslaught of emails and announcements about new babies, new marriages, and new houses. When I opened one this morning, I burst into tears at my desk at work. Why have I missed the boat, God???

The problem with crying at work and crying in public, or crying around others in general, is that you have to be quiet about it. So there I sat, in my cube on the main hallway in my department, with my back turned, a wadded up kleenex in one hand and a stack of papers in the other hand (so I could make it look like I was busy). But in cube land, no one leaves you alone and there is rarely any privacy. When someone sees you crying, they ask what's wrong and that makes me cry harder. And on this morning, my tears weren't neat tears...I was...blubbering. I don't know what came over me... oh ya... Loneliness. Fear. Desperation. Sadness. How am I supposed to explain that to any of my coworkers, and why would I want to anyway (with the exception of two or three)?

Yesterday, one of my manager's baby girl passed away. Her name was Molly and she was a Trisomy-18 baby, a condition that is not compatible with life. Molly lived for two months and now her parents are heartbroken without her. Read about it here and please pray for them. Since her mom delivered Molly, I've been asking God for two months why things like this happen. Molly's parents have spent every day for the past 60 days in the hospital by Molly's side. This sweet little girl has been hooked up to an IV or oxygen since birth. There are so many unloved children in this world, and here was one child born to two people that were elated about her--and now she's gone. Everyday, women end pregnancies or are bad parents to their children, and yet these two parents have had their daughter taken away from them.

Why do things like this happen? Why is Molly gone? Why am I alone without a husband and kids to love and why are my other single friends alone without a husbands and kids to love? It's not fair and it feels like such a waste.

I know my Creator and I know He is with me. But my heart is not joyful right now.