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Friday, September 26, 2008

Heartsick

I've been walking around for the past month or so on the verge of tears. Every time someone asks me, "how are you" or "what's new," I would reply with a polite, "oh, I'm fine. Same 'ol, same 'ol." But my insides have been screaming the opposite.

Normally, I'm really good at hiding it. But in the past 48 hours, I've received an onslaught of emails and announcements about new babies, new marriages, and new houses. When I opened one this morning, I burst into tears at my desk at work. Why have I missed the boat, God???

The problem with crying at work and crying in public, or crying around others in general, is that you have to be quiet about it. So there I sat, in my cube on the main hallway in my department, with my back turned, a wadded up kleenex in one hand and a stack of papers in the other hand (so I could make it look like I was busy). But in cube land, no one leaves you alone and there is rarely any privacy. When someone sees you crying, they ask what's wrong and that makes me cry harder. And on this morning, my tears weren't neat tears...I was...blubbering. I don't know what came over me... oh ya... Loneliness. Fear. Desperation. Sadness. How am I supposed to explain that to any of my coworkers, and why would I want to anyway (with the exception of two or three)?

Yesterday, one of my manager's baby girl passed away. Her name was Molly and she was a Trisomy-18 baby, a condition that is not compatible with life. Molly lived for two months and now her parents are heartbroken without her. Read about it here and please pray for them. Since her mom delivered Molly, I've been asking God for two months why things like this happen. Molly's parents have spent every day for the past 60 days in the hospital by Molly's side. This sweet little girl has been hooked up to an IV or oxygen since birth. There are so many unloved children in this world, and here was one child born to two people that were elated about her--and now she's gone. Everyday, women end pregnancies or are bad parents to their children, and yet these two parents have had their daughter taken away from them.

Why do things like this happen? Why is Molly gone? Why am I alone without a husband and kids to love and why are my other single friends alone without a husbands and kids to love? It's not fair and it feels like such a waste.

I know my Creator and I know He is with me. But my heart is not joyful right now.

5 Comments:

Blogger yours truly said...

thanks for being taking the risk to be brave, vunerable and honest. we all wonder the same things. you are loved friend...

4:12 PM

 
Anonymous Marcie Hayes said...

My professor showed us a video a few weeks ago that made me sob. In class. Anyways, here is a link to the video. These people had the same experience as your friend, but their precious baby only lived for 2 1/2 hours. It's a long video, but worth the time. Maybe you should watch it and see if it will benefit your friends. Maybe it will even help you. It has helped me.
http://vimeo.com/951902

8:46 PM

 
Blogger Ashley said...

MAB, I have had and still have so many of those moments of asking God "Why?". Funny thing is he has answered many of my prayers just differently than I wanted. I am learning to let go of my personal fear of being alone and just breathe and allow the Lord to fill me up! There are still my breaking moments and I love that you have shared your heart, will be praying for the sweet family and you too. Blessings sweet friend all the way from Texas!

7:47 PM

 
Anonymous natalie said...

oh Honey, I'm so thankful that someone else is dealing with this hard-core. I don't want to be where I am emotionally, yet I don't know how to get out. Thank yuo for being vulnerable to share how you feel. No wonder I've felt like I needed to hang out with you badly lately - we're struggling with the same thing!

7:54 AM

 
Blogger Kristen said...

I had many a sob in my cubicle, longing for a baby for soooo long. We've all been there, friend.

Some friends of ours lost their baby (born about 5 weeks before Alyssa) at two months. Just broke my heart--and made (makes) every day with Alyssa more precious. Another friend just had a baby on Thursday and is having open heart surgery today. I don't get God...I don't get why he intervenes sometimes and doesn't others. I just don't get it.

1:01 PM

 

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